Oink, oink oink oink oink.

THE GREAT PIG TALE – THE STORY OF MY LIFE, BY FEI (Now that I’ve seen the long post MEE did about herself… ABOUT MEE… I figure I should be allowed to do the same. Then I’ll begin posting; watch out!)

Yes… I had fully intended to begin right now to share things about MEE.  And I’ll get to that soon. I know she’s feeling rather uncomfortable about having me “open up” about everything I know after these more than 50 years of close observation…. Snort!  HOWEVER… I thought it best that I first introduce myself.  I’ll do this by sharing a short Swineography, which was supposed to be in Life Magazine (with a glorious picture of me on the cover)… no one’s quite sure about what happened.  And I’m not the kind of pig who would SUUUEEEEEE anyone (some of you “got that,” didn’t you… you’ve been around pigs).  OK: Here is a short “bio” about FEI LIAO.   My whole name is Fei Liao, which in Chinese means “manure” (I never thought I’d allow that in print!).  Obviously I just go by Fei. But I have to mention how awkward it was when MEE asked to have a “chop” made for me… the poor fellow had to make sure several times that she had my name correct.  But I DO have a “chop” (you’ve seen them, kind of like a “signature” in Chinese characters, usually with red ink).

I was born on the Mainland (China) on the 1^st of April, but the year is unknown (and unimportant). I first met MEE (and we’ve been MEE and FEI ever since) just before Christmas in 1962 in T’ai Wan, T’ai Pei.  It was love at first snort.  We were there for a few weeks together (in T’ai Wan), mostly in T’ai Nan on the Southern part of the island).  Right after Christmas, we were transferred to Hong Kong. MEE had some health challenges and was put in the care of a wonderful British doctor in HK.  While in Hong Kong I worked in the office, establishing many traditions (not the bad kind). Once I was Pignapped!  It was quite an experience.  I still wear bandages as a reminder of that nightmare.

I’m somewhat famous (I usually spell it fei-mous), having invented Pig Latin and Pig Tails. I also invented that great, fun sport, Piggy-back.  I’m chairman of the BOARd of the Royal Order of the Cloven Hoof, a part of which is the “Pig Pals International” genealogical society for pigs; I’m president of that organization as well as chairman of the BOARd.  We’ve done a lot of research.  While I was in Indonesia with MEE, for example, I had the privilege of going to New Guinea and finding my hoofs (you’d perhaps call them roots) – I researched the origin of the Guinea Pig! That has been a wonderful break-through for Pigdom.

I’ve worked on several government projects, including the development of Pig-Wams for some of the many homeless pigs who are seeking shelter.  When I was developing “Kong-Fei,” a martial art form for piggies – I fractured my hind hoof; it has been somewhat painful.  I developed “snort-hand,” which is faster than short-hand and is easy to learn if one can hold his or her hand like a cloven hoof.

With some of the other pigs in our main offices (Fei-et, Pig-mee, and Babi among others) [note: Baboy is “pig” in Filipino], I established a radio/TV station which has been popular beyond our wildest dreams: K-FEI is beamed by snort-e-lite to every nation, kindred, herd, and pen.  We have such popular series as “The Wide World of Snorts.” We publish a magazine, Snorts Illustrated, in connection with this show.

For a while I worked as a research specialist with Betty Crocker and came up with such favorites as Bacon Powder Biscuits. I also developed the amazing Porker Pen! And Snort Rags, too, when I was working as a developer for the J.C. Piggy company.  It’s interesting now that I’m quite famous and well-to-do to look back on the “lean” days (no pun intended…).  Like once I ran a “HOG WASH,” and it was 25 cents – greased for 10 cents extra (we used bacon grease… I usually hate to admit that).  And I look back on those days from our beautiful K-FEI studios in Spanish Pork… It’s almost more than I can handle emotionally.

I’m constantly creating things – like programs for K-FEI such a “Pork ‘n Mindy,” “Little Pen on the Prairie,” “Name That Swine,” To Tell the Trash,” “Disco-hog,” and so on. We have our own TOP  TUNES each week, including great tunes like “Bless the Boars and the Piglets,” “Pork Chop Rag,” “Music Box Piggy,” “You Light Up My Sty,” “Put Your Head on my Hoof” [or my pork roast], “Copacabacon,” Prelude on an F# Pig Snout,” “Sow R Grapes,” “I Left my Sow in San Francisco,” “A Sow Named Sooiee,” “Piggy Sue,” “The Lonely Pigherd,” “Corn Cobs on my Shoulder Make me Happy,” “Did You ‘Air’ Your Pen This morning,” “Chop Soooweee,” “Pork Chop Sticks” (that one has a definite Chinese sound in the tune… makes me hogsick), and the great opera, “Porky and Boars.”

Our family goes back to MuHAMmed among other famous people.  I have the original hand-written notes on HAMlet. I love to go “whole hog” on development and research for the different organizations.

People say I’m no ordinary pig. Well I should hope to snort!! I’m planning to do a lot more for Pigdom before I’m called to that big Porking Lot in the sky!  I’m thrilled to have my own section of this blog!!  Don’t forget to check in every so often – I’m going to “spill the [pork and] beans” on a certain MEE whom I know so very well.  And by the way – you’re welcome to direct comments my way.  There may be things you’d like me to know… some of which you’d feel awkward sharing direction to MEE (who is busy right now THINKING, anyway).  Love, and looking forward to LOTS of snorting!!